As the school year draws to a close, I am already thinking about next year. Yes, the upcoming school year is on my mind already. Not because I'm dreading it. I am actually looking forward to next year because it will be my first year in one of Baltimore's Transformation schools and I'm thinking I just might like it. Although I'm uncertain about what it will hold for me, I know what it won't: daily fires, kids cursing you and "yo mama" in the hall, choking on the mace the police officers just sprayed to disperse the crowd gathered around yet another fight. And I can't forget last week's riot!!! Am I dreaming? *sigh*
Despite all of that, my leaving SLB will be bittersweet. I promised my juniors I would see them to the end, but this is an opportunity I can't turn down. Luckily, they understand. I realized this past week how much I really care about them and it's breaking my heart to leave them behind. We've cried and shared our memories and are really looking forward to the last two activities we'll have together this year. So why aren't I staying you ask? Because despite the love I feel for them, I have to move to a place where I can flourish. My spirit and my love for the profession I chose is dwindling daily and if I don't catch a spark soon, I'm afraid I'll lose my fire.
Believe it or not, they want me to go. They told me that I shouldn't let them or anyone else hold me back because that's what I always told them when I had them in ninth grade. (Ok, I'm crying again.)It's so hard to believe that I have actually accomplished something in my few years of teaching. These kids have shown me that. They actually remembered something I taught them and this life lesson is more meaningful to me than anything else we covered in English I: they became selfless. What more can I say? Not much, because you might not understand the blubbering. Pass me a Kleenex.
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As my students and I count down the days, I also began to wonder if I still cared. The answer is, yes, but sometimes they do make it difficult. I feel as though this year has also been a mess of fires and fights but also one full of memories and relationships that I will continue to grow on next year. As HSA’s begin to creep closer, I started to reflect on my second year of teaching. I wonder if I have actually improved from my first year, or if I had even digressed as an educator. I want to continue to grow as a teacher but wonder if the daily stresses and craziness in the school and issues with administration will hinder my growth. In the end, I feel as though my experiences this year in the classroom have helped me grow as a teacher and also look forward to a new year with a new start.
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